Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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