My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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