Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Can I color on your dick again?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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