if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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