Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
