She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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