My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Your penis caused this!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
