i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
