glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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