I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
