Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize