The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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