Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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