I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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