saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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