I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
