There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
