Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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