I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
God I need to hump something, right now.
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