i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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