my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish I only lived at night.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
vagina is talking i cant
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
