I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
