Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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