i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
