Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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