Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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