we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
