chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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