if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
