since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
