I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
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he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
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She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
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