just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
