Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
