it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
