so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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