I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
