Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
