At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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