I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The power of my boobs compel you
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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