I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
