Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
