shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
