I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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