I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
