Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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