I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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