I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
