Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
