And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
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I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
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Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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