I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
