and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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