We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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