I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
