Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
