Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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