Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
