did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
