i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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